Conflict Evolution


By Mark Grzeskowiak

"If there isn't anyone out there who doesn't like you, then you're simply not an interesting person." I was thinking about these words of wisdom (spoken to me by my mother), while discussing the fate of a friend's former coworker the other day.

My friend "Michael's" first job after university was with a small family-owned and operated company. He didn't make much money there, but the owner treated him like a protégé. As a result, he quickly learned about day-to-day life in the rough-and-tumble world of running a small business. One of the workplace lessons Michael learned was that – contrary to conventional wisdom – always avoiding conflict can actually be detrimental to your career. The unfortunate victim in this lesson was a coworker named "Steve."

Steve was a really nice guy. He was a conscientious worker, and he treated his coworkers with respect. If the boss needed someone to work overtime, Steve volunteered. If the cream in the office kitchen had to be replaced, Steve went to get it – and not because it offered him an excuse to get out of the office. He just wanted to help. Everybody liked Steve, and he never seemed to be on the wrong side of anyone.

It came as a bit of a surprise, then, that Steve was suddenly let go. Just prior to this, the company had gone through a period of poor sales, in which it wasn't able to reach any of its targets. Cuts needed to be made. Most of the people who worked there understood why the owner had to trim his staff. But why, they asked among themselves, let Steve go? The owner wasn't forthcoming, and since more cuts were on the way, no one pressed the issue.

It wasn't until later that Michael learned why Steve had been fired. And strangely, it happened during a heated argument with the owner, during which Michael thought he would lose his own job.

The meeting had to do with a project on which Michael had to sign off, in order to complete a sale. He was holding things up, because his end of the project, which involved software development, wasn't ready. Although he can't remember exactly what was said, the gist of the argument went as follows:

"What's taking so long?" the owner asked.

"It's more complicated than I thought. It needs more time," Michael replied.

"We don't have time. I need to complete that sale!"

"I understand that, but you don't want to sell them a product that doesn't work. You know that I've been putting in the extra hours to get it done."

"Yes, I know that you've been putting in the extra hours! Listen – if I tell you sign off on a project, then you better damned well do it! We don't have time to pussyfoot around! If you don't want to do what I say, then go find somewhere else to work!"

Michael remembers that the owner was literally shaking with anger at this point. But he kept his cool. "All that I'm saying, is that if we give it to them now, they'll come back to us in a couple of months wondering why the software isn't working. It's just not ready."

This seemed to make the owner even angrier. His eyes bulged out of their sockets, and his face turned a darker shade of red. And then, in an instant, he calmed right down.

"You know," he said quietly to Michael, "ultimately, this is why you're still here, and why I let Steve go. That guy would never argue with me. Fine. I'll talk to the client. You get me that project as soon as possible."

* * * * *

According to Michael, that single argument with the owner was more fruitful for his later career than anything else he learned at the company. And it wasn't just about learning to say "no" to his boss. What he learned was that:

  • Most of us are hardwired to avoid conflict. We want others to like us. But some of us, like Steve, take this instinct to an extreme, and try to please everybody all the time.

  • Fear of conflict can make us blind to its rewards. Every battle has its winners and losers, but unless you're willing to risk the latter, you'll never know what it feels like to be one of the former. There's an apt Russian proverb for this that says: "He who doesn't risk never gets to drink champagne."

    I'd call Michael's experience conflict evolution – one's ability, over time, to conquer the instinctual fear of conflict and occasionally use it to one's advantage. In a competitive economy, where truly standing out in the crowd is becoming more and more difficult (i.e., being an "interesting person" to recall my mother's wisdom), it's certainly a skill that should be fostered, and not constantly avoided.

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